Change....from a time ago

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Change


...this is my blog from a while and a site ago. its a year and a half i guess. it still is mostly true.


Change. It's a little word that has some big meaning behind it. Some people thrive on it. Most of us fear it. How's the saying go, better the devil you know than the one you don't! See how evil it is, we compare it to the devil! Believe it or not, change can be even more scary as you get older. You have things sort of set, kind of comfortable; you have some idea of what's happening and where things are going. And then it hits. That dreaded "M" phrase. That's right, they are going through a Midlife Crisis! Cue the sports car and the young girls (or guys as the case may be). We must all try to recapture our youth so we can keep the Pale Horseman at bay just a while longer--or at least keep his shadow from falling on us.

So is that it? Is that what this all is? All my angst and uncertainty. Just one of THOSE stupid M things? Damn, I'm more like the rest of them than I'd care to admit I suppose. I am going to go with the thought that not all these MLC are the same though. Mine is not about fear and regret (well it's mostly not) it's about growth and change. So we are back to that word again…Change. If you are 20, or even 25, it's going to be hard to relate to just how hard a thing it is to remake or change yourself and your life at 44. Kids, a good job, a mortgage, and all the other wonderful debts that go with making a decent wage. If you are making good money and paying your bills on time, you can get sooo much credit. At least you could up until recently. You can bury yourself forever if you are not careful.

And once you get "buried", changing things becomes that much harder. I've always been behind my life. I've started almost everything later then those of a similar age. I started drinking years after my fellow HS students, was sexually active later than most, really always felt younger than my years--still do. And I have been blessed with good genes that let me appear younger than I actually am by a good amount. But I'm getting worn and stained on the inside. My soul knows. And it's telling me I should finish changing. It's saying I'm not done yet. But I'm an INFJ and I hate conflict, and I hate hurting people too. So what do I do? I'm not doing a very good job fooling myself anymore. But I'm stuck in cement shoes with an anchor tied to it.

Or is it just an illusion? Can I simply imagine Eagles wings and fly away from the anchor I call this life? Is it really right to do so? As Spock and Kirk debated, do the needs of the few out weight the needs of the many? There are no easy answers here. No black, and no white. Just shades of grey with the shadow of the reaper dancing in and out of the mist. He'll wait a bit yet. I'm still too bright for him. But that's ok, he's nothing but patient. Damned if his sickle doesn't look like the letter C from here…

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spriggan-62's avatar
Truly heartfelt,deep,and true. I find myself often in that very same place,and space...trying to figure out the next move. The doubts and the fears percolate obviously,to the surface...but it must be some underlying,inlaid strength even we may not know about at the time,which keeps one going,striving up one more hill,fording one more stream...light in sight,even as the night threatens to overwhelm,we continue.